You're an inanimate fuckin' object!

You know you're a mom when ....

2010-10-02T12:40:00.000-07:00

You think an expensive for yourself outfit is $20 after spending $200 on your child

When you've realized you shaved one leg but not the other

When your purse is replaced by a monsterous bag filled with childrens things

You have no idea what's going on in the world but you damn well know the time and date that Harry Potter and Twilight will be released

You know every line to Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Lord of The Rings

When you actually have to think really hard to try to remember when the last time you ACTUAlly had sex was... and then you still can't remember but you THINK it was a month ago?

When all the porno your DH had on the pc is replaced by videoes of the baby blowing raspberries

You wonder who came up with the word mom and think they better be pretty damn thankful that they're dead otherwise you'd kill them

You wonder who in gods name gave your child that annoying toy?? Then you meticulously plot your revenge upon the person.

Smile and thank someone for buying your child the ugliest outfit on the planet while secretly hoping it'll sell on EBay

Plan all shopping excusions with military prisicion - where are the toilets and exits and how to best avoid the toy and junk food aisle

You spend hours each week scouring the adds for sales on diapers, wipes, and a list of other things

You go in the store and realize not only have you forgotten your glasses, you're wearing two different socks, the list you spent 2 hours writing and planning is missing, and you can't remember what you went in there for

You are talking to yourself about how no one ever listens to a damn thing you say and turn around and there is the dog sitting there listening to you talk to yourself

You hope to god that no one sees or hears you talking to yourself

At least once a day you are unsure whether to scream, laugh, or start sobbing

You wonder and hope that there is something outside of being a mom

You hate the other moms at playgroup because they always have to one up you or your child

Social life means 5 minutes talking to someone your age about something other than children

You break down in tears when your vacuum breaks because you'll have to sweep up the junk since you rehomed the big stupid dog that'll eat anything

You dream of plastic surgery - it can't be worse than child birth can it?

You want to kill the *(beeeep)* guy on tv who tells you stretch marks are a badge of honour

You call the dog your husbands name then feel guilty for insulting the dog

You actually care what so and so's child does because by god that little brat better not best your kid!

Hickies no longer come from something fun but rather a tired hungry and cranky infant

You no longer need to pull your hair out in frustration the baby will do it for you!

You seriously consider and plan the murder and disposal of the next person who disturbs nap time

One day you find yourself doing the most embarassing thing to yoiur child- the thing you swore you'd never do - licking your finger and then using it to clean their face!! Oh yes it has come back to haunt you!!!

EWWWW

2010-10-02T12:38:00.000-07:00

Tonight hubby came up behind me and hugged me. We were standing there and he whispers in my ear "I'm standing in something wet"

Out of everything I thought he was going to say that was NOT one of them...

STUPID!

2010-09-08T03:03:00.001-07:00

Me - those are some big birds! Are they birds.. or are they lion-birds? What are those called?
Mark - Griffins

Oh so wrong....

2010-09-02T08:57:00.000-07:00

Mark - "Why do you ALWAYS start fights that you can't finish?"
Me - "Because I'm American..."

Mark - "Get Xanax from the doctor for me"
Me - "What do I tell the doctor? I need xanax because my husband needs xanax?"

"I've eaten dog food what makes you think I won't eat this?"- Me

"I'm not addicted to gambling I'm addicted to the thought I might just win" - Mark

"Being sane is being less insane as the people around you" - Mark

Delta - "Well where is your luggage?
Me -"Greenland."
Delta - "Greenland?"
Me - "It's somewhere between New York and London... Greenland. "
*Lady turns around to look at the small world map behind her*

Flight Attendant while 37,000 ft up - "...Don't go anywhere."
I looked around "Where the fuck am I gonna go?"

Me - "My pc isn't working"
IT Support - "It seems to be working fine here"
... *I hung up*

Me - "When we go to Asia I want to eat bugs... You know the fried ones."
Mark - "Out of all the things you could do in Asia you want to eat bugs!? Why didn't you do that as a child?"
Me - "Because I ate dog food"

Me - "What? Did you just say something?"
Mark - "I didn't say anything about you, you paranoid schizophrenic!"
Me - ....
Mark - "Yes! I called you a paranoid schizophrenic!"
Me - "Well they don't think so..."

*Me dialing number*
Me - "Hello is this BEN Charity?"
Guy "No this is LONDON ENGLAND"
Me " Yeah no shit! Do you really think I'd dial a 15 didgit number to call your stupid ass?"
Guy "Uh no..."
*I hung up*

*Mark trying to pry a mirror off the wall* - I have concluded that magic is holding these up!"

"... But I want the bed pan" - Me

Mark - "Name one war America has won?"
Me - "... The Civil War?"

"Dead peole live in the cemetary" - Jesse

Mark - "What kinda toaster doesn't toast bread?"
Me - "One for toasting bagels"

Me - "You're annoying too"
Mark - "I'm annoying but you make it an art form"
Me "I know.. I try very hard"

Me - "YOU married ME"
Mark - "I was drugged"
Me - "No you weren't!"
Mark - "I should have been"

Me - "We watched that show about your memory decreasing after 25 and you and I had a long conversation about it afterwards remember?"
Mark - "No."

Me - "I don't want to be a boy... Although I could piss on things.."
Mark - "Yes there's that ability"
Me "That'd be great!! I could just piss on anything I wanted ...""
Mark - "You seem really impressed by that."
Me - "I am!!!"

Me "I thought that facebook was run by communist bastards but then I realized that it was run by facist bastards"

" I decided I'm turning my land into a graveyard, then putting a pet cemetary next to it... That way you can visit all your dead loved ones in one trip."

*Mark laughing at me for saying god wrong*
Me - "I'm an American trying to impersonate a British person doing an American accent. It's hard DAMNIT!"

Me - "How's you little sister?"
Destinee - "Which one, I have two?"
Me - "You only have one little sister!"
Destinee - "No, I have two."
Me - "No you have one here and one on the way"
Destinee - "I KNOW that...."

Me - "Your truck looks like a glow stick with wheels."

Me " I never said I was seeing a shrink.. I WON'T give them the satisfaction of knowing I'm insane too!"

"I was all thrilled I FINALLY got my letter from the shrink... Went to open it .. It was a letter for free chlamydia testing"

Mark - "You used to be sweet what happened?"
Me -"We got married"
Mark - "That's exactly what it is isn't it?"
Me - " Yes that's exactly what happened ...You used to be quiet and nice now you're an asshole"

Me - "I tell the dog to roll over and she pisses herself... So what if I tell her to play dead she'll shit herself!?"

Me "How do I tell if it's done?"
Mark - "If it's brown!"
Me - "It's already brown!!"
Mark "Browner"
Me - "That makes NO goddamn sense!"

Me - "You wanted a damn dog! She's like a fucking furry Elephant... A big white fucking mammoth!"
Mark - "You cuss too much"
Me "Fuck you!!"

Me "You know you're going crazy when you wake up screaming 'shut the fucking bunnies up!'"

Mark -"QI was right about the time travel thing. You need two in order for it to work. A way to do it would be several lasers spinning at one point creating a worm hole
Me -"What'd you do throw rats at it?"
Mark -"Well you'd be behind lots of lead walls because of the radiation"
Me -"Okay so you launch rats at the laser worm hole?"
Mark -"Did the rat vaporize or time travel?"
Me -"Then you'd have to start throwing babies at it!"
Mark -"LOL"
Me -"Well what no adult human is that stupid"
Mark "There are a lot of suicidal people out there"
Me "Good point.. I didn't think of that"

Me " I need carbonated things that ruin my body to survive!!"

*sits next to Mark eating chocolate and he puts it back on tha table*
Me "Ah no bring it back! I only sat next to you to get to the chocolate!"

"I have standards.. Even if they are double"

"Stop putting ideas in the dogs head!"

Me - "you've never seen me very angry"
Mark "You've only seen glimpses of it at games"
Me - "well you've never tried to hit me"
Mark "I would never hit a woman"
Me - "Unless like she knew karate?"
Mark - "Oh what's that from?"
Me - " In Bruges"

Me - "I have to know like the poulation of Wales and such"
Mom - "There are Whales in England?"
Me "Well yeah you know the country Wales"
Mom " Oh I thought you meant the animals..."

Me "Yeah we're gonna lock you up and make you grow your hair real long.. Throw away the key.. No boyfriends or husbands ever!"
Destinee -"YEAY! Oh wait... Who's gonna pay my bills?"

Me "There's.. Liquid! It's coming out of EVERYWHERE!"

*Mark laughing*
Me - "Wheelchair zombies? Oh that's just wrong.. but funny"

The death of care free!

2010-09-02T08:50:00.000-07:00

Gwen is crawling... everything has to be put up and away.... gates and covers will be taking over!

I have been married too long!

2010-09-02T08:41:00.000-07:00

There hubby and I are; watching Twilight... As Edward and Bella are spending the night alone they head upstairs. I exclaim "finally they're going to have sex! this is soo boring without it"

Hubby says "but he doesn't even have a bed!"

"... what do they need a bed for?"

FINALLY!

2010-09-02T08:34:00.000-07:00

YES! Gwennie-baby is being reffered to a sleep clinic!

They're like humans but miniature.. Tea cup humans!

2010-04-16T10:12:00.000-07:00

I have decided that if vampires do really exist and they decide to come out into public and reveal themselves I will be first in line to become one.

Immortality, the ability to kill, being up al night... Oh yeah!

Complaints and Grievences

2010-03-03T11:12:00.000-08:00

I'm going to start on my very long list of complaints...

1. My stomach is not flat yet
2. It's been 5 weeks and I still feel like shit
3. I got stretch marks AFTER I had the baby.. ARGH!
4. How do babies always know to shit right after you bath them?
5. I have done 3 loads of laundry today which accomplishes nothing as I still have 2 left. Mind you one of these loads was due to an earlier incident following SHIT!
6. I still have to fold and put away the laundry that came before that which is becoming a rather large mountain on my bed... Almost too big to ignore. ALMOST!
7. Why am I not a better or more creative cook?
8. I wish my family weren't such picky eaters. It's annoying.
9. I want Pepsi Max oh so badly but we have none.
10.We are running low on TP, diapers, and meat... Do I care? Sort of but no not really.
11. What ever possessed me to get involved with Yoville? I'm addicted now.
12. I think I'm going to get my tubes tied. No more kids. Ever.
13. The baby makes the weidest noises but why?

YEAY!

2010-02-10T06:58:00.001-08:00

I'm going to stay in the hospital with Gwen tonight so we can get used to each for when she comes home!! I FINALLY get to spend more than 2 hours with her. It's just so hard leaving her there and going home.. It'll be nice not to cry myself to sleep!

My beautiful baby girl!

2010-01-30T12:50:00.000-08:00

26-01-10
3.32pm
3.14lbs

What to say....

2010-01-18T07:04:00.000-08:00

I never realized that selling and buying a house is one of the most stressful things in your life but apparently it's true. We've found 3 places we really liked.

1. We had everything ready to go and the woman pulled out of the sale at last second.
2. The people had the property as offers in excess of so we offered a bit over what they wanted but that wasn't good enough. They decided they actually wanted like 10 grand more than that which the property was by no means worth.
3. Everything ready to go with this place and a cash buyer made an offer.. Of course the people took the cash buyer over us. Because people have no morals and an agreement means fuck all.

Ontop of that our place is essentially sold. The realestate agent or I think the approperiate term would be souless cunt is trying to push us out of our place because he wants his commission. I get called weekly to ask when we're moving out, why we just can't move out... Oh god really fuck off!

I think we're just going to give up on the entire thing. I can't handle the stress anymore.

I don't know. I just read whatever the online tells me!

2010-01-10T11:36:00.000-08:00

And the online tells me that Katy Perry and Russel Brand are engadged as are Marilyn Manson and Rachel Evan Wood. Why do I care? Well I actually don't.

ANYWAYS my week is incredibly hectic and I shrugging off my duties as a good wife and mother and have ordered pizzas. Really I don't like pizza but I don't like or want to cook either so fuck it I will eat the pizza like it or not!

I have 3-4 appointments, 2 deliveries, 4 calls to make, one stupid class, and whatever else to do. I'm sure more things will pop up along the way.

We saw Peter Pan this weekend. Something we defentally should have taken the kids to but I enjoyed just me and Marc going out alone. The play was like acrobatics with flying stuff and yeah... Might have been kiddy but was a million times better than Lord of the Rings on broadway... God did that ever suck!

Oh yes I just remembered I still gotta order the crib mattress, bedding, and the damn stroller this week!

Anyone want a job as a personal assistant?

The traumatization of my child

2010-01-05T07:21:00.000-08:00

My lamaze classes were last night and my oldest decided at last minute that she would like to go... Why I don't know but she really wanted to go. And well when I was 13 I was present threw my ex-SIL's labor so I figured it's not going to kill her.

Oh god if the midwife who was doing the classes didn't go into the most horrible and gory detail humanly possible!!! I mean I was grossed out by some of it, but you know I've never had any desire to be that kind of nurse or in that situation as I honestly find it uncomfortable and disgusting!

The look on her face was priceless! I wish I'd taken pictures! Yes I'm that sick but it was pretty funny! So after discussing every horrible detail of natural birth and the class ended we're going home and I asked her "So I'm not going to be hearing any "I'm pregnant"'s from you any time soon?" And she says "NO!! Why would anyone do that!?"

The only answer I had was temperary insanity.... I think I may have scarred her for life!!!

My job as a parent is officially done LOL!!!!

2010

2010-01-03T09:23:00.000-08:00

It's 3 days into the New Year and it already blows.

My resolutions are this ...
1. Get back into the shape I was in 2006.. Healthier.. Kinda thing more than weight
2. Try to get into college and if not at least get myself prepared for the next year
3. Work on my marriage because it's not going to fix itself
4. Attempt to make friends (I see this failing already but the point is to try)
5. Do things that make me feel better about myself
6. Get a hobby or something like that so I go out and do something. I'm tired of being lonely

So far 3 is failing massively, if our marriage makes it threw the week there might just be a god.
4 I havent even tried and no longer care why did I care in the first place? Oh yes I'm lonely what's new?
5. Tried that and the prick I married ruined it so I give up
6. I just fucking give up there's no reason to subject myself to this shit yearly is there?

New Years...

2009-12-31T05:05:00.000-08:00

I never got the hype over this... EVER. What is the huge deal that the calander changes and why do we need to make drunken asses out of ourself to celebrate? All it does to be is confuses me. For the next 3 months I will continue to use 2009 regardless.

So anyways I already feel hung over. Two steriod injections in my ass and I feel like I went out partying last night. Although the fact that my ass hurts is a bit peculiar but you'd think I'd had one hell of a night! Sadly I didn't. I barely remember last night. It was some kinda mysterious haze...

Merry Something and Happy Birthday

2009-12-25T11:31:00.000-08:00

No I'm not wishing happy birthday to Jesus rather my brother who only thinks he is the messiah but is not really.

I'm a bit worried as when I stand up I'm having shooting pains... Oh well I'll call my mom then the doctor yes I have that much faith in doctors!

UPDATE: Called midwife hospital thingy ... Told to take tylenol and see if I get any better. I'm telling the baby as we speak she damn well better stay in there until at least 1am. No Xmas baby for me! Still soo uncomfortable pressure pain.... *sighs* breathe ... Breathe... Breathe...

I'm stuck!?

2009-12-24T06:45:00.000-08:00

I can't seem to get my front door open... I think it is some how broken and I have given up on my attempts to go to the store to get pepsi!! There is always the possibility of climbing out the window but I don't care enough.

Smoking bread and disappearing phones!

2009-12-24T06:40:00.000-08:00

I see a good copy of "pregnancy monologues" coming up! So I should probably recap on the firey bread and vanishing phone...

Last Thursday my cordless phone broke It's been slowly dieing over several months and I happened to pretty much finish it off; the docking bit is broke where the two connect to charge.

Around 2am last night I hear this "beep beep" ... then again... and this continues so I get up and start searching for the noise. It's not the smoke alarms, it's not this.. it's not that. Finally I find it and the cordless phone has managed to hold a charge up until this point.

There I am fighting with it trying to get it to stop beeping... I'm half asleep (thought I'd point this out) and I can't get the phone to open to take the batteries out. Really I don't know what to do so I shove it down the side of the sofa hoping that it'll muffle the beeping enough so I can go back to bed.

Hours later I get out of bed and I'm going to throw the phone out .. I start searching in the sofa and it's GONE!! I mean really really gone. I ask the kids if they've seen it? Nope... Can't find it anywhere!!

So basically I either dreamt that, I'm insane, or the sofa ate the phone!!!! At this point I'm casting all blame on the sofa.

Then later that day I was in the kitchen and thought I'd start on dinner. I get bacon out, and eggs, and bread... Put it all out where I can see it. The bread and bacon are frozen so I thought I'll start the bacon low and let the bread thaw a bit.

I sit the bread on my ceramic stove top at the complete back thinking that it'll thaw quicker that way. I turn the burner on that the bacon is on which is at the front and go about looking for something. JJ walks into the kitchen and says "something smells funny" I have a cold so I can't smell anything.

I turn around and look at the stove and the bottom half of the bread is smoking and ... pretty much on fire!!!

So umm yeah if anyone has any tips for cleaning plastic off of a ceramic stove top PLEASE let me know?

If only...

2009-12-17T06:42:00.000-08:00

I'm seriously ashamed to admit I liked the movie...

It lies!!!

2009-12-17T06:39:00.001-08:00

I had a moment of madness and decided to step on the scale yesterday... I'm fully and absolutely convinced that the scale is an evil lying bastard and I'm throwing it out!!!

My decision on stupidity

2009-12-17T06:33:00.001-08:00

I have decided that anyone who willing subjects themselves to pregnancy is a moron. Really from now on I'm telling everyone I was drunk because it's the only concievable reason I would subject myself to such absolute shit.

I'm not sure what's really worse the actual being pregnant or dealing with other PEOPLE while pregnant. The comments such as "Oh you're gonna pop" or the creepy need to touch is enough to put me off of it FOREVER...

Then there's the psychical aspects such as putting on 13lbs in a week. I honestly had no idea that that was possible!