You know you're a mom when ....

You think an expensive for yourself outfit is $20 after spending $200 on your child

When you've realized you shaved one leg but not the other

When your purse is replaced by a monsterous bag filled with childrens things

You have no idea what's going on in the world but you damn well know the time and date that Harry Potter and Twilight will be released

You know every line to Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Lord of The Rings

When you actually have to think really hard to try to remember when the last time you ACTUAlly had sex was... and then you still can't remember but you THINK it was a month ago?

When all the porno your DH had on the pc is replaced by videoes of the baby blowing raspberries

You wonder who came up with the word mom and think they better be pretty damn thankful that they're dead otherwise you'd kill them

You wonder who in gods name gave your child that annoying toy?? Then you meticulously plot your revenge upon the person.

Smile and thank someone for buying your child the ugliest outfit on the planet while secretly hoping it'll sell on EBay

Plan all shopping excusions with military prisicion - where are the toilets and exits and how to best avoid the toy and junk food aisle

You spend hours each week scouring the adds for sales on diapers, wipes, and a list of other things

You go in the store and realize not only have you forgotten your glasses, you're wearing two different socks, the list you spent 2 hours writing and planning is missing, and you can't remember what you went in there for

You are talking to yourself about how no one ever listens to a damn thing you say and turn around and there is the dog sitting there listening to you talk to yourself

You hope to god that no one sees or hears you talking to yourself

At least once a day you are unsure whether to scream, laugh, or start sobbing

You wonder and hope that there is something outside of being a mom

You hate the other moms at playgroup because they always have to one up you or your child

Social life means 5 minutes talking to someone your age about something other than children

You break down in tears when your vacuum breaks because you'll have to sweep up the junk since you rehomed the big stupid dog that'll eat anything

You dream of plastic surgery - it can't be worse than child birth can it?

You want to kill the *(beeeep)* guy on tv who tells you stretch marks are a badge of honour

You call the dog your husbands name then feel guilty for insulting the dog

You actually care what so and so's child does because by god that little brat better not best your kid!

Hickies no longer come from something fun but rather a tired hungry and cranky infant

You no longer need to pull your hair out in frustration the baby will do it for you!

You seriously consider and plan the murder and disposal of the next person who disturbs nap time

One day you find yourself doing the most embarassing thing to yoiur child- the thing you swore you'd never do - licking your finger and then using it to clean their face!! Oh yes it has come back to haunt you!!!

EWWWW

Tonight hubby came up behind me and hugged me. We were standing there and he whispers in my ear "I'm standing in something wet"

Out of everything I thought he was going to say that was NOT one of them...

STUPID!

Me - those are some big birds! Are they birds.. or are they lion-birds? What are those called?
Mark - Griffins

Oh so wrong....

Mark - "Why do you ALWAYS start fights that you can't finish?"
Me - "Because I'm American..."

Mark - "Get Xanax from the doctor for me"
Me - "What do I tell the doctor? I need xanax because my husband needs xanax?"

"I've eaten dog food what makes you think I won't eat this?"- Me

"I'm not addicted to gambling I'm addicted to the thought I might just win" - Mark

"Being sane is being less insane as the people around you" - Mark

Delta - "Well where is your luggage?
Me -"Greenland."
Delta - "Greenland?"
Me - "It's somewhere between New York and London... Greenland. "
*Lady turns around to look at the small world map behind her*

Flight Attendant while 37,000 ft up - "...Don't go anywhere."
I looked around "Where the fuck am I gonna go?"

Me - "My pc isn't working"
IT Support - "It seems to be working fine here"
... *I hung up*

Me - "When we go to Asia I want to eat bugs... You know the fried ones."
Mark - "Out of all the things you could do in Asia you want to eat bugs!? Why didn't you do that as a child?"
Me - "Because I ate dog food"

Me - "What? Did you just say something?"
Mark - "I didn't say anything about you, you paranoid schizophrenic!"
Me - ....
Mark - "Yes! I called you a paranoid schizophrenic!"
Me - "Well they don't think so..."

*Me dialing number*
Me - "Hello is this BEN Charity?"
Guy "No this is LONDON ENGLAND"
Me " Yeah no shit! Do you really think I'd dial a 15 didgit number to call your stupid ass?"
Guy "Uh no..."
*I hung up*

*Mark trying to pry a mirror off the wall* - I have concluded that magic is holding these up!"

"... But I want the bed pan" - Me

Mark - "Name one war America has won?"
Me - "... The Civil War?"

"Dead peole live in the cemetary" - Jesse

Mark - "What kinda toaster doesn't toast bread?"
Me - "One for toasting bagels"

Me - "You're annoying too"
Mark - "I'm annoying but you make it an art form"
Me "I know.. I try very hard"

Me - "YOU married ME"
Mark - "I was drugged"
Me - "No you weren't!"
Mark - "I should have been"

Me - "We watched that show about your memory decreasing after 25 and you and I had a long conversation about it afterwards remember?"
Mark - "No."

Me - "I don't want to be a boy... Although I could piss on things.."
Mark - "Yes there's that ability"
Me "That'd be great!! I could just piss on anything I wanted ...""
Mark - "You seem really impressed by that."
Me - "I am!!!"

Me "I thought that facebook was run by communist bastards but then I realized that it was run by facist bastards"

" I decided I'm turning my land into a graveyard, then putting a pet cemetary next to it... That way you can visit all your dead loved ones in one trip."

*Mark laughing at me for saying god wrong*
Me - "I'm an American trying to impersonate a British person doing an American accent. It's hard DAMNIT!"

Me - "How's you little sister?"
Destinee - "Which one, I have two?"
Me - "You only have one little sister!"
Destinee - "No, I have two."
Me - "No you have one here and one on the way"
Destinee - "I KNOW that...."

Me - "Your truck looks like a glow stick with wheels."

Me " I never said I was seeing a shrink.. I WON'T give them the satisfaction of knowing I'm insane too!"

"I was all thrilled I FINALLY got my letter from the shrink... Went to open it .. It was a letter for free chlamydia testing"

Mark - "You used to be sweet what happened?"
Me -"We got married"
Mark - "That's exactly what it is isn't it?"
Me - " Yes that's exactly what happened ...You used to be quiet and nice now you're an asshole"

Me - "I tell the dog to roll over and she pisses herself... So what if I tell her to play dead she'll shit herself!?"

Me "How do I tell if it's done?"
Mark - "If it's brown!"
Me - "It's already brown!!"
Mark "Browner"
Me - "That makes NO goddamn sense!"

Me - "You wanted a damn dog! She's like a fucking furry Elephant... A big white fucking mammoth!"
Mark - "You cuss too much"
Me "Fuck you!!"

Me "You know you're going crazy when you wake up screaming 'shut the fucking bunnies up!'"

Mark -"QI was right about the time travel thing. You need two in order for it to work. A way to do it would be several lasers spinning at one point creating a worm hole
Me -"What'd you do throw rats at it?"
Mark -"Well you'd be behind lots of lead walls because of the radiation"
Me -"Okay so you launch rats at the laser worm hole?"
Mark -"Did the rat vaporize or time travel?"
Me -"Then you'd have to start throwing babies at it!"
Mark -"LOL"
Me -"Well what no adult human is that stupid"
Mark "There are a lot of suicidal people out there"
Me "Good point.. I didn't think of that"

Me " I need carbonated things that ruin my body to survive!!"

*sits next to Mark eating chocolate and he puts it back on tha table*
Me "Ah no bring it back! I only sat next to you to get to the chocolate!"

"I have standards.. Even if they are double"

"Stop putting ideas in the dogs head!"

Me - "you've never seen me very angry"
Mark "You've only seen glimpses of it at games"
Me - "well you've never tried to hit me"
Mark "I would never hit a woman"
Me - "Unless like she knew karate?"
Mark - "Oh what's that from?"
Me - " In Bruges"

Me - "I have to know like the poulation of Wales and such"
Mom - "There are Whales in England?"
Me "Well yeah you know the country Wales"
Mom " Oh I thought you meant the animals..."

Me "Yeah we're gonna lock you up and make you grow your hair real long.. Throw away the key.. No boyfriends or husbands ever!"
Destinee -"YEAY! Oh wait... Who's gonna pay my bills?"

Me "There's.. Liquid! It's coming out of EVERYWHERE!"

*Mark laughing*
Me - "Wheelchair zombies? Oh that's just wrong.. but funny"

The death of care free!

Gwen is crawling... everything has to be put up and away.... gates and covers will be taking over!

I have been married too long!

There hubby and I are; watching Twilight... As Edward and Bella are spending the night alone they head upstairs. I exclaim "finally they're going to have sex! this is soo boring without it"

Hubby says "but he doesn't even have a bed!"

"... what do they need a bed for?"

FINALLY!

YES! Gwennie-baby is being reffered to a sleep clinic!